Ever watched Private Practice on TV? There's a Doctor on the show, Charlotte King, who ends up getting pregnant with not one baby, but three. Three! And she didn't even want babies at all in the first place [PSA: wear condoms people!] She spends episode after episode lamenting her pregnancy, calling her tiny babies leeches and vermin, and soul-suckers, and generally complaining about her physical state and being pregnant.
And when something happens and she goes into labour early - consequently delivering one baby at 27 weeks [OMG!!] - her mindset shifts.
And she sees the miracle.
And me? I have spent the last 5 weeks complaining about how exhausted I am, and how I hate the way my boobs make me look like a barbie doll, and how I feel chubby, not pregnant and that I have no energy.
Granted, I have never once compared the tiny fruit baby to a blood-sucking tick, but still. The point is the same. Where has my gratitude gone? Where is my appreciation for life? Why can't I see the miracle that I know I would see if it were someone else?
I don't want to keep being this person that complains and sees the negative. Because I CAN choose to find the positives in all of this. I just...haven't been...And I think that bothers me more than the actual complaining, because anyone who knows me, knows that I am the person who can find the silver lining.
I always see the bright side.
I am gifted at finding the positives in negative situations.
And my glass is always half-full.
I can find stars on black nights, because I believe they are out to be found...
But...I am having a very hard time being pregnant. Not physically - no in that case I have really gotten off scott-free. My joints hurt, and I'm tired, but really that's all so far. Still almost no nausea, minimal discomfort, and not a lot of heart burn yet.
So...what is my problem...?
Last week I came out of the shower and sat down on our bedside. I cried and cried for half an hour. I lost a significant amount of weight a few years ago, and the weight I've gained in the past 11 weeks makes me feel like I did before. Uncomfortable. Unhealthy. Undesirable. just chubby, rather than visibly pregnant. I'm having a very hard time with people looking at me like "is she just gaining weight, or is she pregnant?" It was so hard for me to start hearing "no, she's probably a little smaller than her" when I was being used for size comparisons at work. I know this stuff is in my head. I KNOW it is ridiculous.
I know, okay?
Nathan was amazing. He's used to me crying [I'm emotional, alright?] but I think this time even he knew something was different. He let me cry. He comforted. He said the right things. And for that I was grateful.
He sees the good. In his quiet man-way, he is recognizing the miracle.
I told a friend not too long ago:
"If you expect yourself to be miserable, you would be.
If you open yourself up to possibility and to happiness, it will find you."
So this is me, promising at 11 weeks to look for the miracle. To be open to the good, and to stop seeing my changing body as a negative thing - to embrace the change for what it is. And to start sharing the good vibes with our little #fruitbaby miracle.